i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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