Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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