C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
