Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
