What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
