My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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