My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
