That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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