clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
