So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
we should paint friendship bongs
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