this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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