I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
