I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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