before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
