We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
