I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
