there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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