marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
