Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How does one acquire holy water?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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