"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?