i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
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I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?