There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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