My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
