I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
