she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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