You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
