i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
