turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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