You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
