Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
