there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
