Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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