i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
