You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
