I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
