What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
