He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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