My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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