you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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