she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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