How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
