Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
