I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
