I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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