I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
