sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
my being single is dangerous.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
