Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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