the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
