the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
