You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We left the knife in your bed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
