At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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