I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
