i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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