Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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