thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
