Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
