where am i from again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
