I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
