her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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